Archives for October 2017

Thursday Ten: Another Half edition

  1. I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it. After a ten mile race in September, my shin splints went on overdrive and it huuuurt. I started physical therapy and basically put the kibosh on any significant miles in a concerted effort to let my leg rest and heal to prep for the Grand Rapids Half Marathon. It wasn’t pretty, but this Sunday, the day before my 41st birthday, I did it. I finished my second half marathon.
  2. It rained the whole time – and so it was pretty rough. My leg did start hurting again, and from the rain and mud puddles, I felt blisters (and I may well lose a toenail – sigh). I felt like a drowned rat. I pushed on.
  3. The last message I got from my brother before he died was a Facebook comment of how he was proud of me, proud of everything I do… and it was important for me to finish this race – for him. As the rain splashed down and the wind blew so hard, I looked up at the sky and thought to myself that it would figure that he would make it challenging for me. I didn’t quit. I didn’t give up. I kept going. And I so much hope he was proud of me still, somehow.
  4. It doesn’t get any easier to type or say those words – that he’s died. That he’s not here.
  5. My birthday was Monday and it was terrible. I know that was such a bummer to the people who care about me, that I was so bummed about my birthday but I had no spirit for it this year. At work they asked me if I had any big plans, and I said, “Welp, gonna go pick up my kid from gymnastics eventually.”
  6. When you run in the rain for a half marathon…eventually you’ll catch a cold. Apparently.
  7. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I want to close my eyes and wake up and have all the things that need doing be done.
  8. Next race on the calendar? Ragnar in 2018. My bucket list race. Gotta get these shin splints gone first, though.
  9. Sometimes I feel guilty talking about other things. That people will think I’ve forgotten.
  10. I cannot believe that it’ll be winter soon. Then Christmas. A new year. Where the hell did 2017 go?

Life Lessons Learned in Grief, Part 2

I have been to two memorial services in three days and I have spent far more time in churches this week than I have all year… probably. And yes, two memorial services for my brother – so if you can imagine the feeling of repeatedly scraping off the scab of a new wound with a cheese grater, that’s pretty much what it’s been like.

And it’s worse because of the previously mentioned terrible things people have done in the name of “honoring” my brother.

I can’t pretend to understand – because while I am conflict avoidant to the core, I am also a believer in doing what’s right. I fail sometimes, I know that… but at my core, I genuinely don’t want to be a screw up. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be vindictive and awful. I feel like I saw so much of that dark side of people. And what’s worse, I think some absolutely didn’t know or realize the level to which they were sinking. The older I get, the less of a screw up I become. Can’t say that’s true for everyone. Apparently.

So, here are some more life lessons for you – the general you – based on the clusterflugel of the past two weeks:

Sometimes there’s no substitute for an actual CONVERSATION

Yeah, I get it – I rarely use my iPhone as an actual phone and will avoid it if at all possible… but there are some discussions too big for text. Text doesn’t always convey tone, intent, or meaning — and there’s a lot of room for misunderstanding if you’re not careful. Sometimes it’s essential to pick up the phone and DISCUSS things instead of blurbing at one another.

You go off making unilateral decisions that impact people and YES they’re gonna be pissed

Again. Discussions. Discussions. Discussions. Some of the biggest moments of anger came from one person making decisions that impacted all of us. There was no need for that. Had people come together, had conversations, the likelihood of that happening would have been smaller. There were moments of near rage because of things like this. I had thought families would come together when times were tough – and I found that nope, that’s not always true.

Speeches scrawled on a legal pad at midnight are just as meaningful

I wanted to write my speech for the service far earlier than I did. I had a draft in my documents for days. Literally, I just MEANT to do it… and then it was midnight last night. I literally scrawled my speech while drinking bad wine and eating Cool Ranch Doritos. I could barely read my writing today – my hands were sweaty and my nose was running. I didn’t make it through without crying – but every word came right from my heart… even if it wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever written. I wrote love.

I need to just show up

I have done friendship all wrong. I really have. I can name a zillion times when a friend was likely grieving and I wasn’t there for them in a way that would have been useful to them. And I’m so sorry for that, because I just had no idea what a difference it truly makes when people just show up and do the thing. What thing? Whatever thing you have to give. It doesn’t have to be big, it really doesn’t. My sister’s sister-in-law helped us a ton putting together photo boards – even running to get more prints made when we couldn’t get to a store. That was huge, it was helpful, and it made life easier. She didn’t ask what we needed – she was just there.

Ban the words “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” from your vocabulary

I’ve said it before because I haven’t known what to say but odds are, no one will ask you for anything because they don’t really know what the heck they need. My brain has been swiss cheese for a week. I couldn’t tell you what could be done to help – I truly had no idea. Still don’t.

Grief Pizza is a thing

Because you can’t just drink away your sorrows, sometimes you can drown them in pizza.

Get together and celebrate when something good happens

We’ve had three deaths in my family within the last six months. I’m not even kidding – it’s been rough. I’ve seen my family A LOT. At funerals. I want to see them when there’s something joyful going on. We all talked today at the luncheon after the service: we have GOT to plan something and soon. Otherwise, too much time will go by, and we’ll be there again… coming together under less than joyous circumstances. And that stinks.

I don’t like sandwiches on hamburger buns

Who thought that was a good idea?

It was a beautiful celebration today, even though it was sad too. But the past two weeks have been so hard. I’m so tired. I’m… still just perplexed by some of the things people said, did… I don’t know that I’ll ever understand, really. Maybe I should stop trying to.