Archives for October 2015

Thursday Ten: I’m really trying super hard edition

1. You could get mad at the universe but it wouldn’t do much good because the universe don’t have time for your shizz, and just pull up your big girl panties and deal with life. Or something. I don’t know. I am trying so hard to breathe deep and make each day better than the day before – because I am at a point where I can be mad at the world or I can just plow through it and get stuff done. I have so much to be grateful for, so it may seem ridiculous for me to get mired so deeply in the muck – but make no mistake, finding out you’ve got some degenerative retinal condition that is ultimately going to rob you of your vision has an amazing capacity to make one bitchy.

2. And I know I could do better. Should do better. I know that I have not received a death sentence. I know that life just keeps on moving on. I know that there are people who are facing really HEINOUS AWFUL THINGS. But this is heinous and awful TO ME. And I get to be upset about it.

3. But not all the time. Because you know what? There’s still a lot to do in life besides feeling sorry for myself.

4. So, how about them people who play baseball? (I don’t watch baseball)

5. I am typing this on a MacBook that doesn’t really want to work anymore and ugh computer shopping – that should be fun, right? (Remember this is the year of the dying washing machine, dying refrigerator, blah blah blah.) SO over replacing the broken things. My wallet is so over replacing the broken things.

6. But there are books to read, and waffles to eat and sunsets to discover.

7. I am a work in progress. I am flawed. And somehow in the midst of all of that, I am still someone who is going to make things happen, who is going to do amazing things, who is going to SHINE. I don’t always feel that way. I usually don’t. I have to talk myself into talking myself into things.

8. As you might imagine, my brain is an interesting place these days. What a year it has been. What a year.

9. But on a positive note… there is a vibrant dendrobium orchid in a jelly jar on my dining table and it is beautiful.

10. Every little thing is gonna be alright.

I have been unbearable, miserable, and generally cranky.

I have been a whiny, miserable, mopey wussbaby and I should probably stop. I should stop, and I know I should stop and yet I am mired in the muck and I don’t know how. But I’m trying.

We hit these points of overwhelm occasionally – and by we, I mean I’m lumping you in with my maladjusted and emotionally stunted world. There are no big fixes, no easy answers and often it feels there’s no answer at all.

I know, because I’m in that place right now. That place where someone says, “Well, what could you do to make a change?” and you want to kick them in the knee because DUH if there was anything you could do, wouldn’t you totally be doing it?

(You would)

And in those cases where it feels like there’s no easy way forward, I guess the next step would be to go sideways. I mean, like you have anything else better to do? If you can’t move forward, move sideways, just for the love of all things holy do not stop moving because you’ve been sitting there for awhile now, and if you don’t move, even a little bit, you’re going to have a harder time finding any sort of momentum to start moving again

(by YOU I still mean me)

So, maybe you’re in the midst of a rough patch

(you are)

But you won’t always be

(this too shall pass)

And somehow and someway you’ll get to a point again where this is all in your rear view.

But not today.

And that’s fine.

Can you feel your right foot? Pick it up and gently take a step to your right. Slide your left foot next to it.

There. You’re doing it. You’re moving again. It won’t feel like much. It doesn’t have to be much. But just… move.

Take a breath and remember how it feels to move, how it feels to take control and just find your way again.

39 Before 40 – A list of things to do before I’m too old to care

  1. Buy something frivolous.
  2. Take a spontaneous day off.
  3. Enter a photography contest.
  4. Buy brand new towels.
  5. Finally, for real, start saving.
  6. Eat more tacos. [Make a new taco recipe every month]
  7. Try a new place to eat every month.
  8. Learn how to put on eye make up so I don’t look asleep in every photograph taken of me.
  9. Create a font out of my handwriting
  10. Buy new sheets
  11. Take a cooking class
  12. Do the Couch to 5K program again
  13. Run an actual 5K
  14. Stay at a fancy pants hotel for a night
  15. Master making french press coffee
  16. Finally pull the carpet tacks out of the basement
  17. Go see a live concert
  18. Hit the $1,000 mark fundraising mark for Foundation Fighting Blindness
  19. Make flossing a habit
  20. Read “The Lifechanging magic of tidying up” – and try to…uh…tidy up
  21. Buy a statement piece – whether it’s clothing or an accessory – something sassy and amazing
  22. Get to an amusement park
  23. Try a yoga class
  24. Try a ballet class
  25. Tackle a DIY decor project for the house
  26. Spend a day curled up on the couch reading
  27. Finally use my spa gift card
  28. Cook something really difficult (like…toast. Or something!)
  29. Use only actual dollar bills, y’all… for a week. And save the change.
  30. Christmas project with the girls. Shhh. I can’t tell you what it is. It will spoil the surprise.
  31. Go ice skating
  32. Cook using an ingredient I’ve never used before (vanilla beans, I’m lookin’ at you)
  33. Get a passport
  34. Go see two movies in one day
  35. Send more cards and/or handwritten letters
  36. Drive to a small town I’ve never been to, within 50-miles-ish-radius and walk around
  37. Make it through the winter without drastically cutting my hair (trims are allowed, but none of this, “Oh! It’s February! Let’s chop my hair!” nonsense)
  38. Create a new tradition
  39. Get up to Traverse City to attend another event at 2Lads Winery (they know how to throw a party!)

Thursday Ten: Almost Older edition

1. My birthday is tomorrow and I am having a very hard time with it and that seems to be the way of the world but I don’t recall a birthday being quite this rough since 35 and 35 well, that was pretty brutal. This is no milestone year but it’s been a year that has tested me and I’m not sure how I feel about 39 yet, but 38 has been a bitch.

2. I’ve also been sick now for over a week and that has done nothing to improve my surly mood. The cough comes and goes and so does the runny nose and fever face. NO IT IS NOT A HOT FLASH.

3. Who’s already starting to look for matching Christmas pajamas? WE ARE. The girls and their cousins have worn matching jammies for the past few Christmas mornings and I LOVE IT – so, October 15. Shopping for Christmas pajamas.

4. ArtPrize has come and gone in Grand Rapids. Honestly? I love it for a week but much beyond that, I just want everyone to get out of my way and go home. I don’t even know what pieces won this year – but I know that there were very few pieces that made an impact on me this year – unlike last year’s winner – which took my breath away from the moment I saw it. This piece, below, was one that I really loved this year.
Maya 7624 | Seungmo Park

5. My netflix binges lately have been HGTV inspired – which is mostly because since giving up cable, all I really miss is HGTV and Food Network. So, we’ve all the episodes of all the Genevieve Gorder shows we can find. And I’m about to start in on Fixer Upper… with a bit of Throw Down with Bobby Flay on the side to change things up. I don’t even really miss live television, but I will if I ever get all caught up on the good stuff.

6. Dude. I just helped my eight grader with math homework.

7. I’m not saying she’s going to get the right answer.

8. I’m really trying very hard to keep my chin up lately. I have a big stack of library books to read. Reading helps – sometimes it’s nice to be in an imaginary world.

9. The girls and I had family pictures done a few weeks ago – I can’t wait to see them. It’s weird to be on the other side of the lens, and I’m… kind of terrified a bit to be on the other side of the lens.

10. Ah. Tomorrow is a new day. An older day. Sigh.