And so a new chapter is set to begin.

I haven’t been sleeping well – a fact that boggles my mind because I thought that now that I had eliminated a bit of the fear, my brain could quiet – if only temporarily – and my body could just blissfully rest and recoup from the past several months of uncertainty.

Turns out, that’s not how my brain works.

And I’m not really sure what it is keeping me up these days – aside from massive gusts of wind slamming into my house – perhaps I’m going to be operating from this place until I have the first day (week, month?) under my belt and I am in a groove and not in a place of the unknown.

I have no idea.

What I know is that a year ago, I was told my job would be cut to part time. It was then I really started looking for new work.

Last July, my hours were cut to 24 hours a week.

Just a few short weeks ago, I was told my job would be eliminated altogether.

And even as little as a week ago I had no idea just how long I could possibly be without a paycheck.

–

It’s been hard the past several months.

Chris told me yesterday how well I had done keeping my head up and remaining positive – and part of me (a big part) was incredulous because I don’t feel I did well with that at all. I felt like I was constantly on the verge of completely falling apart. To interview and interview and interview and have nothing happen. To want to work and do good work and have your job eliminated in a budget meeting. It has been HARD.

–

That it came down to having two offers presented to me on one day is absolutely mind boggling and I can’t even begin to describe the feeling that washed over me just getting that first phone call letting me know that an offer would be forthcoming. I knew then, no matter what happened at that next interview – I still had a reasonable solution. And when the second offer rolled in, I was absolutely gobsmacked.

I still am.

I know I know my stuff. I know I have value and worth. But a year of job hunting does some not so nice things to one’s psyche. You can start to feel unhireable. Worthless. Like a fraud. It’s awful.

And to be battling those negative feelings of worthlessness on top of wondering just how you are going to support two kids when you DO NOT HAVE A JOB…well, that kind of sleeplessness makes sense. Why am I not sleeping now?

–

I chose a job. I start Monday.

I am still amazed when I think about it – that everything that’s been hanging over my head will soon be shaken free. I will have a very nearly clean slate. It’s both a huge relief and it’s tremendously shocking at the same time. During a time when I’ve struggled so much for so long, I now get to let some of that go. It was feeling like I would never be able to.

I don’t even know what to do with myself.

Brene Brown has this concept she talks about, foreboding joy.

“Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience,” Brown says. “And if you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy.”

Dress rehearsing tragedy, she explains, is imagining something bad is going to happen when in reality, nothing is wrong.

I caught myself doing just that today.

And because I now have a job and I have no immediate need to worry about all of the things I was worrying about, instead, my brain leapt to some virtually impossible catastrophic scenario, not unlike some crappy save-the-world action movie starring Bruce Willis. I mean, what is that even about?!

I have been on high-alert for so long that I’m not really sure what to do with myself now that the immediate worry is gone. It’s my hope that I will adjust to what is a new normal, and I’ll be able to get myself on track, enjoy my clean slate and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop…but it turns out that it may just take me a bit of time.

–

On Monday morning, less than two weeks after walking out of one office for the very last time as an employee, I’ll walk into a new office and I’ll begin. Hopefully as I adjust, I’ll be able to sleep again. I am hopeful that my new normal is one of getting by, and maybe even doing better than just getting by.

I’ll stop being afraid and start enjoying the moment I’m in.

I can’t wait.