Thursday Ten: What the Hell Am I Doing Here edition

1. I said this year, the word would be phoenix and that i would rise, and then yesterday around 3:30, my boss called me into the office of the head of human resources and together they told me that due to budget cuts, my job would be eliminated. I have a few weeks to go before the ties are severed, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t freaked out, that I’m not completely beside myself and that I’m terrified of what the future holds. I’m sure you’ll hear more about it as the weeks go on, and as I finally have my final day in the office at some point in the future. Sigh. Life, you know? Never stopping with the sucker punches.

2. I have been looking for work for over a year – since they told me LAST January that my job would be cut to part time. I’m having a hard time feeling optimistic about my prospects despite the Director of HR and my current boss offering to help me find new work. I will take whatever help is being offered because being without work is not an option – but… I don’t know that it will lead to anything. What will I find now that hasn’t happened in the past 12 months?

3. Guess this isn’t going to be my perkiest Thursday Ten, huh?

4. Oh! On the bright side, I’ve raised $285 for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer this week. That puts me about 16% of the way to my goal and THAT was a ray of sunshine.

5. I love that the dendrobium orchid I bought on New Years Day is still sorta hanging in there.
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6. And I’m still waiting for my nephew to be born. Boggles my mind how my sister can walk around dilated to 5 centimeters and the docs won’t induce. Granted, people have been birthin’ babies for all of time and bodies do what they do when they need to do it, for the most part, but oy! I can’t even imagine. Here’s hoping the little guy shows up soon. This has been a tremendously crappy week that could use a cute baby to hold.

7. Back to below zero windchills again and I DO NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT. (Also? Getting laid off in the midst of winter and excessive heating bills? Fuuuuuu—-)

8. I have been successful in my efforts to read more in the new year. I’ve finished two books in a week now. That’s pretty impressive and I can’t remember the last time I did that. That both books were pretty decent sure helped – but I’ve never been one to keep slogging through a book I hate, though, so that’s not usually a deterrant.

9. My mopey post layoff mood call for listening to excessive amounts of Whiskeytown while HGTV is on mute.

10. I have a hard time dealing with stuff like this and I’m really doing my best. We feel what we feel and right now I’m gutted and scared and swimming in uncertainty and none of that is anything I’m comfortable with. And I anticipate I’ll drift in and out of that until something more concrete comes along to ease my mind about work and life and that whole not being homeless thing. I have family, friends and people who love me who “won’t let you freeze and won’t let you starve” (as my stepfather told me yesterday) – so it’s not that I’ll really end up homeless. I just don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard for. I don’t want to need help. I want to know where I’ll be a month from now, if I’ll be working or not. I want to know how I’ll hold it all together, if I’ll be able to hold it together. Right now? I know nothing but fear and it’s manifesting itself in my hamster wheel brain that is refusing to let up. Tomorrow might be different. Next week might be different. But these next few days? I anticipate they’re going to be full of blah.

About sarah

Sarah is a book nerd, a music lover, an endorphin junkie, a coffee addict. Oh, and a goof ball. She writes, she tweets, and she sings off key.

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