I forgot to be scared

I have been on four different airplanes in four days en route to and from Boston for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I’ve been on four airplanes and never once had that breath-stealing feeling of fear, the overheated nervous sweat, the certainty that surely that noise, those bumps, that none of them were normal and all were a bad sign. I never gripped the arm rest in terror. I never had to sing “Baby Got Back” to myself to get the Alanis lyrics out of my head (“And as the plane crashed down he thought, well isn’t this nice?”) that always seems to bog my brain in the midst of my mile-high fear.

Not. A. Single.Time.

I wasn’t imbibing in flight cocktails, nor did I acquire a fistful of Xanax. I took my usual Rescue Remedy (which frankly doesn’t always seem to work, but it makes me feel like I’m doing something) and boarded the plane. Fortunate to not have much turbulence, surely that was a factor, but even so, I am almost never able to completely close that fear out of my head.

Today? I read a book for TWO HOURS on the plane AND? I almost fell asleep.

I’m not sure when I developed my phobia of a flying, though I know it’s been awhile as I distinctly remember breaking out into a sweat and damn near hyperventilating on a flight back from Greensboro, North Carolina while I was pregnant for Pumpkin (The flight attendant asked if I needed a Valium – I’m still not sure if she was kidding).

I also have not repressed the memory of actually screeching on a late night puddle jumper flight when we hit a huge pocket of turbulence in a storm and the plane made a massive dip that scared me out of my ever loving mind (So lucky I had a coworker on that flight: “Remember that time Sarah screamed on the airplane?” Yeah. That was fun).

Even in the days leading up to this trip, I was getting anxious.

And then somehow? It was fine.

I wish I knew what the magic trick was – because I’d like to make sure it happens every time. Sure, the flights were relatively smooth (and it’s the turbulence that really wigs me out) but even takeoff (gah) didn’t rattle me like usual.

I hope this is a permanent thing. I’d love to shake this fear. I’d love to effortlessly travel without waiting to fall out of the sky. I have no other trips planned, but I look forward to seeing if this calmer-traveler side prevails.