Where I Reveal JUST HOW SERIOUSLY I Take My Saltine Crackers

It’s Friday night, the kids are tucked in. I have a cold that has taken residence in my face and my throat – which is fine because I make that phlegm-rattle sound way cuter than it really is. Desperate for a snack, I go to the cupboard, grab a box of saltines and rip open a sleeve to sit down with a stack of crackers and back-to-back-to-back episodes of 30 Rock on Netflix.

And then I shove a cracker in my mouth.

And it’s not good.

UGH.

Now, I’m not one of those people who merely keeps saltines on hand for when I am sick. I really like saltines. And even though I know that they have High Fructose Corn Syrup (which is evil! Evil, I say!), I just can’t quit the saltines. And yes, I have a preferred brand which you know is the result of extensive saltine research. These things must be taken seriously.

Because I eat so many saltines, I’d like to think my palette is refined enough to detect subtle saltine nuances between one box and another – but that probably isn’t true. It seems that there are two different options for a box of Premiums: REALLY REALLY GOOD and EW WHAT IS THIS AND WHY AM I EATING THIS?

This box? It’s the latter. It’s not horrible. It’s just not great. And I guess – because I am overthinking things AS I DO – I want to know why. Why is one box so good that I can’t stop eating them until the whole box is gone and why another seems destined for a life ground up in soups to hide the flavor?

[Note: You are feeling a little sorry for me already, aren’t you, for just how much thought I have devoted to the lowly saltine – but don’t feel sorry for me. Oh no.]

Clearly, the next step was to email Nabisco.

I’m sure they will see that email Monday morning and wonder what the hell is wrong with that woman in Michigan who emailed them on a Friday night about the taste of their crackers. It’s a little neurotic, I know. I own it, I’m okay with that.

But, I’m kind of looking forward to their answer. And I’m REALLY REALLY hoping they tell me how to avoid the dud boxes. You won’t be laughing at me then, Internet. Not when I always have a stock of the best saltines EVER in my cupboard and you have the icky ones. I’ll have the last laugh. Just you wait.

About sarah

Sarah is a book nerd, a music lover, an endorphin junkie, a coffee addict. Oh, and a goof ball. She writes, she tweets, and she sings off key.

Comments

  1. I so know what you mean! I’m no addicted by any means, but I HATE when I get a box that tastes like cardboard (pun intended) or they’re stale, or worse, BURNT! Gah!

    Saltines are supposed to taste a certain way. When you find out how to buy the good ones, let me know, K?

  2. I’m with you.
    I love Saltines. Don’t try to give me low sodium or fake ones. give me the real deal. Crisp and salty and slightly.. just yes.

  3. REAL Saltines by Nabisco are the only way to go. That is definitely one of those products that I can not buy a store brand version.

    Tangent – there is a picture or used to be picture of my dog from when I was a kid with his head stuck in a Saltines box. My mom had used the empty box to put some dinner scraps in and then put the box in the trash. This particular dog was dumpster diver and went after the smell of those scraps which in the end, left him looking like fool with a cracker box on his head. LOL

  4. I get called out all the time at home for not appreciating the food I consume – invariably treating it as food, downing it, and getting on with whatever I was doing beforehand…

  5. D gets the low sodium kind. It makes me feel dead inside when I’m not feeling well and I want some soup and saltines. Those aren’t saltines! They’re not even salty! And yes, I get the Premiums… D likes to get store brand! I can’t deal with things like that.

    Also, I can eat an entire sleeve of them in one sitting.

    And I’m very particular about the type of peanut butter I put on them (only Jif extra crunchy will do).

    So… just… you know. You’re not alone.

  6. Thank you!!! I am so sad to be nearing the end of an incredible stray sleeve–light and thin, salty, and NOT BURNT. I find that the little two pack saltines you get in restaurants are often the best saltines. The sleeve I have now tastes exactly like those. Please share, did you get a response??? I’m so not looking forward to opening a new probably burnt box.

    -Saltine lover

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