Archives for 2021

To My Daughter as she Turns 16

Dear Pumpkin,

Sweet 16 – is that even a thing anyone says anymore? I started writing it on your birthday card and stopped myself. It sounded so archaic and old-timey. But you are sixteen and isn’t that sweet?

We’re still a ways away from getting your license – trying to accumulate all of those permit driving hours which has been a challenge in these weird Covid-y times, in part because for the longest time, driver’s training wasn’t being offered and in part because we also just haven’t gone as many places that afford you the opportunity to drive as frequently. We’re chipping away at the time – hopefully we’ll get there soon and you can have your license. You don’t seem much to care and so I don’t push.

Today your friends will come over for brownie sundaes and it’ll be good for you to have time with your friends. They’re a lovely group and I am glad that you all have stayed in touch so well over the summer, recently arranging a potluck day at the beach. You all dressed up and brought a dish to pass and spent hours on a lightly raining day doing your thing. I think you will be glad to be back at school again where there is structure and you’ll be able to spend time with your friends more regularly. Several of your friends attended virtual school last year and they’ll be back in-person this fall and I know you are excited about that.

The last school year was hard – but you found magical moments in the midst of it. You were cast as Beth in the play Little Women, because the director knew you could move people to tears. You were also in the musical. You were quarantined four times due to close contact with covid-positive classmates which resulted in missing the PSAT three separate times (what are the odds? It’s really weird that it kept working out that way).

I didn’t want to pressure you or your sister to push yourselves too hard academically during the madness of the 2020-1 school year and did not, and yet you both managed to excel. You ended up with nearly all As fall semester and straight As in the spring and I am impressed knowing the hurdles you leaped in order to get there. Having to learn materials despite the fact that some teachers didn’t do much to aid students who were remote due to quarantine – I’m not sure how you managed it.

You like to listen to music – lots of music. You have been trying to teach yourself to play guitar. The other day you said, “They put too many chords in songs. Why does anyone need more than four?”

You’re rewatching Gilmore Girls for the third? fourth? time? You also love The Good Place and have every routine from John Mulaney memorized, at least it seems that way. It is interesting to me that I went from knowing all of the shows and movies and music you listened to, to hearing you recite some bit from a stand up routine and have no idea where it came from.

You are little by little starting to talk about college and I know that as much as the last sixteen years have flown, these next two will fly as well. I don’t know yet where you will end up but you’re considering your options and thinking about the kinds of things you might want to do in the future. So it’ll be interesting to see what directions you decide to explore. We’ll figure out some college visits soon, see what places might feel like home to you.

Sometimes you seem to be in your own world but I am always in awe of when you can tell better than most when I am feeling sad or having a bad day. You did this recently. I thought I was doing a decent job of keeping a happy face on and you knew that I was sad. You wanted so much to make things better for me and I was grateful for your love and kindness when I was bummed, while also being frustrated with myself that you needed to ease my feelings. You are so observant sometimes and I am grateful for that.

I started crying when I was wrapping your gifts yesterday. Maybe i’m just emotional lately – goodness knows the past year has done that to me – but maybe because you’re my youngest and you’re getting so old, and it makes me think of how quickly time is flying and how much I’d like things to just slow down a little bit now.

Sixteen. I don’t even know how it happened. Where has the time even gone?

I’m so proud of you all the time, always. I am so very proud to be your momma. And I love you so so so much.

Happy 19th, Princess

Dear Princess,

Last year on your 18th birthday, I printed out all of these birthday letters and gave them to you to read and I thought at the time, do i keep writing these letters after this? I wasn’t really sure, but here it is, the morning of your 19th birthday and the answer is obvious: of course I keep writing.

This year has been one of the hardest years we all have experienced – one of the hardest in your life. And while we don’t believe in the Pain Olympics, I can say with absolute certainty that the way the events of the world have hit and the time that they have hit have been particularly difficult for you and your friends and the stage you’re in — who experienced the end of one chapter, the beginning of the next in the midst of absolute chaos. Nothing was the way you imagined, nothing was the way it should have been, and everything sucked. And while we were absolutely fortunate to maintain our physical health and well-being during *gestures wildly* all this, emotionally the year was draining and challenging.

I recognize all of that. And I recognize how hard you worked for every shining moment in your 18th year. How despite having very few in-person classes, several insensitive and incompetent instructors, and far more time on Zoom than anyone should spend, you managed to crush your freshman year of college, making Dean’s List both terms with a badass 4.0 this fall. You managed to figure out a math class taught by an instructor notorious for failing more than half the students each term — and you got an A. (That teacher is a butthead, by the way.) You work so hard, far harder than anyone could ever expect and you accomplished so much. And I wish you didn’t put that kind of pressure on yourself, but I also recognize that pressure and know that my telling you it’s not necessary probably won’t change a thing.

You worked hard to keep yourself and loved ones safer this year. Even when it was hard. When you were missing out. When you were lonely. I hated every second of that for you, knowing your friends were posting all the things they were doing on social media, and knowing that it was beyond your comfort level to risk anyone getting sick. You washed your hands, you wore your mask, you really did your best and I am proud of you for that. And also, I hate that you even had to.

You have always been capable of seeing the world outside of yourself, and seeing your role in it. Of realizing that we all have a part to play in making the world what we want it to be — you have never lost sight of doing what you felt was right in order to create the world you wanted to be a part of.

You voted in your first presidential election. And what an election year it was. I was so proud watching you fill out your ballot and I was even more proud to hand-deliver it to the absentee box at the town hall. You were an informed voter, taking care to know what the issues are and watching debates and studying the issues on the ballot. Goodness knows, so many others voted without even knowing a fraction of what you took the time to learn. It gives me hope for the future, that your generation is watching, studying, learning. That we might find change and hope from those who have endured so much at such a pivotal time in their lives and found ways to make the world a lot better than the one they were handed.

It was hard having you away at college. I knew it would be. I tried to find the balance but I know I still texted too much. I was sorry your year was hard but I was also glad when we were able to cram everything — including your minifridge! — in my Prius to bring all of it, and you, home for the summer.

And now you’re here. You’ve got a job that you’re good at, with people that you like. You’re looking ahead to your sophomore year and hopefully it’ll be better knowing that little by little, pieces of a new normal are starting to emerge. There is so much beautiful life ahead — and hopefully the struggles of this year are one day mostly a memory of a building block that made you into more of the strong and amazing young woman you already are.

I have always been tremendously proud of you. It’s funny, when you come home with a tiny baby, you have no idea what the future holds. You’re up all night, you’re exhausted, and a future where that baby in your arms is off doing her own thing and making her way in the world isn’t even a blip on your mental radar. But the days are long and the years are short, and watching you grow up and raising you into this amazing human has been such an honor.

I love you so much, and I am so lucky to be your mom.

Love you lots and lots of tater tots,

Mom