Dear Family & Friends and Strangers of the Internet,
Merry Christmas…two days later. As I type, Pumpkin sits on the couch near me watching “Elf” and The Princess is making hot chocolate for all of us in our matching mugs. Maybe she’ll add a candy cane to mine – I hope she does. In a whirlwind month of bacon wrapped jalapenos and cookies and more cookies and things dipped in chocolate, I am so tired of excess and yet the warmth and sweetness appeals to me, a bit of comfort in my mug on a chilly Sunday night.
I’ve always hated the traditional Christmas letter – the braggy missives that made me feel inadequate and though I don’t know that I’ve ever had a year that might inspire that feeling of inadequacy among those who are reading, I’ve never had the desire to actually write and send a letter with my holiday cards. Instead, I sent cheap photo cards I purchased online. I didn’t even sign them personally.
This year has been a challenge for me and I feel like I’ve said that for the past several years – this year feels like it just may be the hardest year in my life. One year, I got a divorce. The next, my beloved grandfather died. Last year, I lost my job and found a new one. This year, I was diagnosed with first retinitis pigmentosa and then Usher Syndrome and all the baggage along with that – like finding out that yeah, my eye sight is going to get progressively worse and you know, that just doesn’t make for a very good year, no matter how hard you try to accelerate your grieving process.
I’m afraid people have taken my sadness personally this year.
I am afraid some people don’t realize just how scared I am about my future.
I am afraid I haven’t been very joyous to be around most of the time and that it seems like I’m not trying.
And so it goes.
I will say that by the end of the year, I spent a lot less time crying than I did the first half of the year and to that I raise my mug of cocoa and I toast progress because for what it’s worth, I’ll take the baby steps forward when I can recognize them, and hope to replicate more of the same.
My children are ridiculously wonderful. They are talented and they are bright and they are lovely and they are loving. And that’s pretty amazing.
Chris, too, has been strong when I have not been and has been my cheerleader when I probably just needed a kick in the pants. Someone who loves you in your ugliest moments is a blessing, indeed.
I went to California with the three people I love most and had so much fun sharing the ocean with them and tonight I looked at the pictures and realized that maybe in 2016 we need another adventure. Maybe California again.
And winter hasn’t been winter yet and for that I’m grateful though the forecast for tomorrow looks scary and ugh, you know, I guess that’s about as appropriate as any way to send out 2015 – sliding on a patch of ice, I guess.
SO how do these letters work, anyway? I mean, I’ve already failed to make you feel like your year was a dismal failure… you’re probably feeling great about yourself right now. I’m not sure what the next year will bring (perhaps that’s my post for later in the week?) but I know that this year was not what I expected when midnight hit on New Years Eve and my god, we all survived so that’s a good thing.
Anyway.
Merry Christmas.
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