And now from the land of limbo

It has been a chaotic and emotional ride these last few weeks and now that I’m in the home stretch, I feel a bit of relief mixed in with a great deal of WTF-ness.

It’s strange.

I drove in to the office for the last time today and I sit at my desk flipping through tabs on my internet browsers, hoping something will catch my eye. A note to potential future employers – usually I’m very much a “get things done” kinda person. But I did. I got things done and now there’s nothing left and so I wait for my exit interview this afternoon, after which I can walk out the door and figure out what the next phase in my life might bring.

I really have no clue.

What I know is this:

I have gotten through 100% of everything life has thrown my way thus far. None of it has killed me. All of it, I’ve made it through. This won’t be any different.

I keep reminding myself of this because right now it doesn’t feel that way at all. I feel hopeless and terrified and oh the uncertainty keeps me awake at night, and really that’s just an awful way to live. But I will. Live, that is.

I am bigger than all of this.

There will be new opportunities.

I am going to find a place where my awesome matches their need for awesome.

—

The other night, my daughter spelled out “Be Okay” in soup noodles on the counter, a nod to one of our favorite Ingrid Michaelson songs. It was a reminder, and a bit of hope, and a cheer from my kid on the sidelines letting me know that I would be. Maybe not today. Today, I sit at my desk eating delicious flaky pan au chocolat that a co-worker brought in to the office, I have shuffled paper around and I am clock watching. Today, what I want is to get home, put on my workout clothes and mock Jillian Michaels while doing the Shred (and thus fooling myself into believing I’ve worked off this pastry), “Why do we work small muscles with the big ones? Because they don’t burn enough calories on their own.” (Raise your hand if you’ve got all Jillian’s Shred banter memorized.)

I chose to make today my last day because the longer I sit here, the longer I remain in limbo. I’m ready for the next phase. I’d like the next phase to start now, please.

–

This economy is such that my case isn’t an oddity. This kind of stuff happens to people all the time. I wish it didn’t because it sucks. But here I sit.

Watching the clock.

Waiting for my new beginning.