There Aren’t Enough Lazy Sunday Mornings

Thirty minutes ago, I insisted that an exhausted and overwhelmed Princess stay up and finish her homework, not go to bed earlier as she wanted. As I listened to myself, I thought, “How has this become real life?” How long ago was it that I would tell me children at day end that it was time for bed, RIGHT THIS INSTANT, no more goofing off. And now? I know you want to go to bed but you have work to do, so you need to stay up fifteen more minutes to see what progress you can make.

I felt awful.

But? She buckled down, calmed down and got the work done.

There is so much of this operating in stress mode lately – and not just when it comes to homework. I’ve been doing it too.

I thought to myself numerous times today, There is only so long I can keep functioning this way. I’m barely functioning as it is. I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I’m scared. I’m working part time when I want to be working full time. Expenses at this time of year are growing (oh, competitive gymnastic season – both a joy and an expensive pain in my ass). Dealing with stuff and people I don’t want to deal with and keeping a smile pasted on is starting to make me feel as though giant hands are squeezing the air out of my body.

I don’t want to be angry. I just want to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reaching mini milestones that tell me everything will be okay. Sometimes I need to turn my brain off. Sometimes I need to surrender to the fact that I’m loved and that I’m cared about and that the other details – however big they feel, however big they are – will somehow find a way of working out. If they don’t, I’m not alone.

I don’t do well with that, with the surrender, with letting go.

I’ve been operating in stress mode for so long that it’s hard sometimes to abandon it, even temporarily.

This weekend I did.

And Sunday morning, there was toast. Lots of glorious toast made from delicious bread. So much toast. Cups of coffee. Sitting on the couch with he who makes me so very happy with bellies full of toast.

I don’t have nearly enough moments like that – moments where I can give in to the knowledge that I’m really working hard to do what I can to make this life good for my daughters and myself. There are a lot of moments of thought, of work, of making positive change in my life. A lot of that. Not nearly enough moments with a plate of toast and company on a comfy sofa on a Sunday morning.