Sometimes Introspection is Just a Gigantic Pain in the Ass

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When I was a kid, my dad used to make my lunches for the week on Sunday. He’d make five peanut butter on sourdough sandwiches and wrap them in aluminum foil and put them in the freezer. Each morning, he’d pack one of the sandwiches in my lunch, and by the time lunch time rolled around my sandwiches usually were still frozen.

I can still taste it on my tongue, somehow, these frozen sandwiches.

I have no idea what made me think of these sandwiches today because it’s been years since I’ve had one just so, but it made me want to revisit that taste of frozen bread.

It… was a tough day.

Though last week was the first week of part time work, it didn’t feel like it because everyone’s week was shortened by the holiday. This week, it’s just me. And then someone from HR came to talk to me about COBRA (The short answer to that little question is: Uh, no. COBRA, why you gotta be so expensive?). And then we discussed the work week. I’d assumed I’d just work my hours, but two fewer days. Uh, nope. So then suddenly I needed to cut 90 minutes out of my day in order to not go over my number of hours this week (I suppose I could have just gone in late tomorrow. Really late). It’s just a bizarre thing, cutting my week short by another three hours when it’s already been cut by ten.

And then I started doing math.

It was with that heavy feeling of being overwhelmed by things outside of my control that I grabbed my camera bag and stepped into the heavy, humid Grand Rapids air this afternoon to take an hour long lunch, with no real plans and no real destination. It’s a weird feeling. I typically take short lunches if I take a lunch at all, and when I hurried out of the office today it was with thoughts of budgets and COBRA and “these circumstances really effing suck.”

Somehow I ended up thinking of frozen sandwiches.

Believe me when i say it was a welcome relief from thinking of numbers.

I have never really minded being in my head like I am – usually it’s fine. Being thinky is as much a part of who I am as my dimples, my big feet, my tendency to laugh at inappropriate moments. When times are stressful though, the introspection gets to be TOO much. Alright already, I want to tell my brain. That’s enough outta you. You’re done. Shhhhhh.

I looked up and I saw that garbage can. Tagged with the “Seek Joy” tag I’ve been seeing in places around Grand Rapids. Out of nowhere, seemingly. I smiled. Snapped some pictures. Grabbed my camera bag and made my way back to the office through the thick mid-day air.

At my desk, shirt sweat damp, brain slightly slowed, a bit more ready to face my afternoon. To work through the noise. To keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Today is my Thursday. Or is it my Wednesday? I don’t know, but tomorrow is somehow my Friday and I hope that it’s easier. I hope it keeps getting easier.

About sarah

Sarah is a book nerd, a music lover, an endorphin junkie, a coffee addict. Oh, and a goof ball. She writes, she tweets, and she sings off key.

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