The Absence of Noise

I really miss my kids.

Save for brief FaceTime calls on Easter (bless you, Apple), I haven’t seen them, hugged them or talked to them since Friday. Per our parenting time agreement, the kiddos are with their dad for half of their spring break vacation – and tomorrow they’ll come back home and join me for the second half of their vacation which will be more like a staycation (there was no budget for travel even before the Barfing Dog Fiasco™).

This is the hardest part for me – the shuffling of the children. It’s hard because someone is always missing out. When they’re with their dad, while I know it’s important he has time with them, I miss them. When they’re with me, I’m assuming he misses them. When they’re with me, they miss their dad. When they’re with him, they miss me and the dog.

That’s a whole lot of missing.

That there are so many people who stay together “for the sake of the kids” doesn’t surprise me. I’m guessing in a sense it’s for the sake of mom and dad, too. It’s a tough feeling to miss your little people. To adapt your way of living every few days to accommodate for their presence or their absence.

Just when I had finally learned to adapt to the weekends when they’re away, this spring break hit. I’ve gotten used to weekends. When they’re gone, I don’t cook much, I get caught up on cleaning (all laundry folding), I keep busy.

But last night I got home, fed The Barfing Dog™ some bland food, made a quesadilla for myself, fumbled through a miserable treadmill work out and then…

And then what?

There was no Pumpkin coming up with reasons she couldn’t sleep. There was no Princess asking to watch one more episode of DC Cupcakes. There was just nothing. The silence in my house was heavy and thick and awful.

I miss the hugs most of all when the kids are gone. As I type this, I know that I won’t be hugged today or most of tomorrow. It sounds silly, but it’s those things I miss – the easy knowledge and affection of caring and being cared for.

But they’ll be home tomorrow. And this is important, that they have time with their dad, time beyond just the weekends.

Doesn’t make me miss ’em any less.

It’s the most negative consequence of divorce – the absence of my children. It is more difficult than figuring out finances or being solely responsible for taking the garbage out. It’s more difficult than a lot of things I’ve experienced.

But we’ll all be okay. I’ll adjust, the girls will adjust. Eventually, I hope, these transitions will be seamless. Maybe I’ll take up a hobby to keep myself busy while they’re gone. I hear basket weaving is fun. Maybe I’ll get another TV, hang it in my room and drown out all that dreadful silence. Maybe I’ll get another dog (ha ha just kidding).

I have faith in time and in the ability to adjust. We’ll get there.

Right now, though, I miss ’em. Is it tomorrow yet?