Archives for July 2012

If you have to ask, I’m not sure I can tell you. But I’ll try.

057 | 365

“Excuse me?” I had been focusing my camera on the sidewalk and a woman stopped as she was walking to address me.

I lowered my camera from my face. “Yes?”

“Everyone’s always taking pictures of this building,” she said. “So, what’s so special about it?”

In that moment, my mind flashed to the myriad of things that I love about this building, and admittedly, one of the things that my mind thinks is, If you have to ask, I’m not sure I can tell you. I look at this building and its characteristics are apparent – one glance and I can name so many reasons why it’s special. This building, like a person, has traits and qualities that are its own, that are unique, that render it both dignified and decayed. From the moment I first walked by this building, I have been drawn to it.

“I can’t tell you why other people photograph this building,” I started, “only why I do.” I gather my words a moment – because I don’t know if I can make her see what I see, or if she really wants to see it. Maybe to her I’m just another crazy person, pointing a camera at an abandoned building. I’m not sure that I care, though. “Do you see those faces up there?” I ask. I gesture to the bearded faces that appear at regular intervals over our heads. “I love those guys. I’m not sure what they’re called – they’re like little gnome faces.” Her eyes flash upwards.

“And do you see that?” I said, pointing to the sidewalk to the right of her feet. “The lettering from the windows is reflected in the shadows on the sidewalk. I think that’s kind of neat.”

She nodded, but her face remained blank. I don’t think she was seeing what I see

“If you go around the corner, you’ll find a wall that has these really neat turquoise tiles. If you’re taking portraits, they make a really cool background – because they have a funky, weathered look to them.”

“Oh.”

She thanked me and walked away and I put my camera back in its bag and walked the other direction. I could have gone on for so much longer describing the little nuances of this building I have grown to love. The recessed doorway, the chipped cement, the signs in the window, the intricate details of the molding along the top of the building. Really, I’m not sure they even make buildings like this anymore.

But I accept that I do sometimes look at the world around me differently than some. To me, it’s completely foreign how someone could look at this building and not see what makes it special – but surely, there are people who don’t see it. And those people probably don’t miss that thing, that thing that makes a gnome face seem like a quirky magical wonder, that makes you want to see how it looks at different times of day, when the sun hits it in different ways, when snow falls around it. But I can’t imagine just walking by, not soaking it in, not seeing the wonder, and not finding a smile curl my lips when I see it. It may take me longer to get where I’m going, when I stop every few feet to capture a new sight at a new angle, but I wouldn’t trade it. I would rather be slow, than not see the things I see.

And there’s really nothing wrong with the way that woman sees the world. I’m guessing.

But I’d rather see it my way. I’d rather see the joy in the little details and the magic in unexpected places. I’d rather frame my world as if through a lens, even when my camera is not with me. I’d rather take it all in and see everything and embrace it: chipped tile, gnome faces, shadows, and all.

I can’t imagine my world any other way.

Another post that says nothing

309 | 365

After several days of triple digit temperatures the weather finally broke over the weekend – not as soon as I’d hoped it would and not with the epic thunderstorm I had been envisioning – but it broke nonetheless, allowing me for the first time in days to turn the air conditioning off, push open the windows and feel the air move.

It makes a difference.

Yesterday, again for the first time in days, I was able to lace up my exercise shoes and go outside and sweat. For someone who employs a “break a sweat daily” rule for general well-being, I’ve discovered that it only counts if the sweat is from physical exertion and not from sweltering temperatures.

I need air and I need to feel my body move. These are things that propel me through my days, things that allow me to feel like me, and when they are absent or I am unable, I have found I feel like a caged animal.

I rolled my windows down yesterday and drove for awhile without having a plan or a destination. I ended up stopping to buy myself some vibrant yellow mums (and a carton of raspberries for my daughter), passing through the McDonald’s drive thru for a bucket of Diet Coke, stopping at Target for a canister for flour. Sure, it’s not exactly an exciting evening – not even close – but the breeze felt good rushing through my windows and the feel of my hair, windblown and messy, was a thrill after the days of unmoving heat.

Thursday Ten: Midweek Holidays Are Not As Great As You’d Think edition

1. The Fourth of July being on a Wednesday means that here it is, July 5 and I’m back to life as normal, only now it’s a Thursday that feels like a Monday. Sigh.

2. So instead of doing the firework thing last night, I decided to go to a movie. I saw Moonrise Kingdom, based only on random posts I’ve seen on the internet raving about it. I went in with zero expectations. And actually? I kind of dug it. The cast was excellent, and it was a quirky story with a lot of truly funny moments. Never really a Bruce Willis fan, I loved him here. Ed Norton rocked the khaki shorts and knee socks as a scout leader. And Tilda Swinton? Well, Tilda was Tilda (I never know what to say about her – still really wanting to see “We Need To Talk About Kevin”. THAT may be an interesting role to see her in). The film is getting great reviews by people who know how to say things about movies that I don’t. But it was visually beautiful and human, and it was a lovely escape from life for 90 minutes.

3. Ugh. So, a forecasted high of 100 degrees? UNWELCOME. Sad when I see next week’s predicted 85 (still too hot) and feel relief.

4. A lot of new music this week thanks to Amazon and their album sales – $.99. Nice. Picked up Kimbra’s album Vows. I also purchased the Gotye album – I know people are getting pretty burned out on “Somebody that I Used To Know” but I was told the rest of it was good, and hey, if it’s not, I’m only out a buck. Also, the Lumineers. I haven’t listened to it yet. It may or may not be awful. I don’t know.

5. My iTunes is still broken, by the way.

6. Gave light-painting a try for the first time this year. While I know it can be done better, I was pretty tickled at how it worked.
swirlies.

7. Cuticles are stupid.

8. I went for a walk to get lunch and saw some black eyed susans along the path. Something about them makes me smile. Seems like they are usually around later in the summer, but they’re fun (And yeah, I like to take pictures of ’em).

9. Today I got a message from a friend I hadn’t talked to in a very long time – it was a lovely sweet message and I was happy to hear from her and I can’t help but think it’s amazing sometimes how, even if you go months, or even a year, without having any meaningful conversations with a person, your friends are your friends and they’re still there reminding you that you’re loved.

10. I have an itch to travel right now. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
264 | 365

some posts don’t have titles

sometimes all you can do is wait

I’m not entirely sure what to write here lately. I hope you don’t mind. We just tiptoed into July and already I think the summer is a third of the way over. I keep wishing it away. Pumpkin said to me the other night that she couldn’t wait for school to start, and you know, I kind of look forward to it also. Summer has a different flavor now that I’m in an office every day. While I struggled hard to find balance when I worked from home, struggled to be an excellent mom as well as a reliable employee, I still was present for their daily activities. Now I regret whining about the balance and lack of it – because I miss that daily stuff sometimes.

The temperatures are scorching these days and I’m grateful for when the mornings and evenings provide a respite from the heat. That feeling when you can get outside and breathe in and out, and it’s not like you’re passing through air as thick as pudding. Pudding air. It’s a thing. An awful thing.

I’ve gotten to, this summer, spend time with friends a lot more than I have in the past – and it’s partly a concerted effort to reconnect with people and friendships and an effort to add some fun to my days. For a lot of years, I put friendships on the back burner – and I’m sorry I did. While I don’t think I ever forgot how much I love to laugh and have fun, I think for awhile I downplayed just how much it renews me. I’m an introvert, so I focused instead on finding time to myself to recharge and rejuvenate that way – but… I like people. I love sitting down at a table with friends, drinking coffee and exchanging bits and pieces of life.

When I was in college I had those moments all the time. I remember one night sitting outside talking to someone from midnight until five a.m. It’s hardly realistic now, those conversations in a dorm entry way (anyone have a dorm entryway I can borrow?), those marathon gab fests until all hours of the night.

But I don’t need a marathon anymore.

I had forgotten, though, because I let myself forget.

I baked a cake yesterday, a lemon pound cake. One I’ve made and blogged of before. All I wanted was a tiny piece of it – the tang of the sugary glaze and the soft spongy cake melting on my tongue. So I baked. I squeezed lemons and combined eggs and butter and sugar (oh so much sugar!) and measured and mixed and poured and baked. The process is a healing one – there is a precision required in baking that you don’t necessarily need when cooking. While I’ve done it so much, I’m a little less precise in my measuring, in large part, baking is about science and chemical reactions and sometimes the act of following step by step instructions alongside the sensory effects is soothing. Eating cake is pretty soothing too.

I don’t know what to write here. I feel like my thoughts should be more coherent, but they’re not. I have a lot to talk about these days, but I don’t. The air is heavy and thick outside and there is a cake hidden out of the dog’s reach in my kitchen.

But I am making time for cake and coffee and laughter and friends and all of those things bring me much joy these days. And joy matters.