It was the ECONOMY with a PHONE in the HOME OFFICE

So it’s funny, right? Yesterday I was ina mild panic over who would watch my kids this summer – how I would get work done – and then hours later my phone rings and it’s my boss and the human resources guy calling to tell me, “Oh hi, Sarah, as you know the economy has been blahblahblahblah and people haven’t been buying morewordsyoudon’tcareabout and we have had to do a lot of evaluation blahblahblah. Your position has been eliminated.”

And it was then I kind of went into auto-pilot for the remainder of the phone call – thinking to myself, I will NOT allow these men to hear me cry. I will not show emotion.

In the end, they must have thought it was the oddest lay-off call ever – who was this perky woman with her “mmhmmms” and “I see” and “okays”? Um. Me.

Two weeks left, severance, and “We’ll be sending you a separation agreement – sign it and send it back, but don’t send it back too soon, you should read it and really think about it and feel free to have it reviewed.”

I have  worked for this company for nearly ten years and I have escaped the chopping block of layoffs more times than I can even recall. My entire department was obliterated while I was on maternity leave with Pumpkin – the ENTIRE DEPARTMENT – and I was saved only by dumb luck and the desire to only return to work part-time when my twelve weeks of leave were up.

My feelings are a bit jumbled right now.

Clearly, there is part of me that is mad as hell. I mean, ten years, y’all – that’s a LONG TIME to dedicate to a company, its visions and its brands. Part of me is bitter. Part of me is smug (“No one will EVER do this job as well as I did.”). Part of me  is relieved – I mean, did I want to do this forever – this kind of forces me to put on my big girl panties – face fear and make change.

While I am mad, sad and COMPLETELY TERRIFIED of being unemployed – and while this job was so far from perfect – I do hold on to the gratitude that even if it was a less than perfect job, they afforded me the opportunity to be home with my children while making a paycheck (albeit a reduced one). I know that many parents don’t have that kind of luck – and it was a blessing for me to get to be so present in my daughters’ lives daily, while also having that bit of my career to hold on to.

I am grateful for that. I have been tremendously lucky to be able to attend field trips and take my kids to doctor’s appointments. I hate those damn snow days, but fortunately, working from home meant that even if I was a grump about them, I was able to make them work. I haven’t had to set an alarm clock to drag myself into an office in over five years.

The unknown terrifies me. I’m so scared right now. I have the world in front of me and it’s time, soon, to figure out what’s next. I’m afraid there won’t be a next – I’m afraid of what I’ll find or what I won’t. Me and uncertainty? We’re not BFFs and this feeling I have in my chest when I try to think about where do I go from here? I really DO NOT LIKE that feeling.

I have been so blessed over the past (not even) 24 hours. The love and encouragement from my family and friends (including my mom taking me for a very therapeutic pedicure this morning). The “you can do its” and the hugs and the support have meant a tremendous deal to me.

Hours after I hung up the phone with HR yesterday, I found my fortune from yesterday’s fortune cookie (I’m kind of addicted to fortune cookies) sitting on my desk.

Somehow, some cookie fates knew. And they got it right.