Me + Stress = A Big Mess

My stomach is in knots this morning and I am just feeling like curling up on the couch, shutting my eyes, and tuning things out for a bit. My dad’s wife called last night and dad will be in town tomorrow. Again. He was here in July, and things went a bit nuts then – the icing on the cake being my dad leaving town without telling me or stopping by to tell me “goodbye”… which then evolved into a full-out ugly phone call that I finally finished by claiming to be driving through a dead spot in my cell coverage.

But he’s coming back. And it hasn’t even been four months and I feel like I’m going to get stomped on again and I’m just tensed up with the feeling of it. He is coming to meet with the manager of a group home that my brother could well be moving in to. In the past few months, things with my brother have gotten progressively worse, to the point where if he doesn’t get into an assisted living facility soon, he could well end up in jail. He makes “friends” with people who take advantage of him, people who are up to no-good, people who are shady who will suck him in to their mess. And as a result, my mom has been dealing with this for weeks, trying to keep the fallout to a minimum which has posed a huge imposition on her life, and a huge stress as well.

This snowballs into mom and dad having to talk to each other way more than is even remotely considered a good thing (seeing as how they can’t stand each other) trying to plot out what the hell to do with my brother. So, after a few weeks of this, they think they have found a place for him, which is good. Dad will be flying out for a few days to check it out. And here we are.

I don’t know why I even let it bother me. At this point, I’ve decided to not make plans with my father, and just let the chips fall where they may. Try not to put myself in situations where I will end up being disappointed or mad, or where he will have cause to criticize me. I wish I could wash my hands of it altogether, but I know he’ll want to see my kids, and they will want to see their grandpa.

It just makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can’t wait til it’s over.