After Some Marinating…

The past month or so feels like I’ve been hit repeatedly with a stick. I don’t know how else to describe it – just when you think the last blow has been dealt, someone knocks me upside the head with the stick again.

Or something like that (I’m really not good with metaphors).

It certainly seems as though there has been one thing after another in my life, weighing me down lately – two deaths in the family a month apart, major home construction (three months past the deadline), wrapping up from a chaotic time on the home front from tax season. Admittedly, I think I’m a tough gal – but – I think the combination of all those things just pushed me a bit far.

Most of the friends in my life are people I have been friends with for over 15 years. I certainly have a history with them. I have a lot of trust in them (which is huge – I’m not one to hand out trust willy-nilly). But, over the years, we have developed roles in our relationships – and, as a friend pointed out to me over a (much needed) discussion over dinner last night, often in my friendships, I’m the listener.

I was recounting to her the story of how I found out my grandma was ill and in talking to another friend and feeling that she wasn’t being there for me. I had spent a long chunk of time with her and upon getting home realized that I hadn’t really said much about myself at all – instead I was being the supportive one, I was letting her air the things on her mind. I don’t mind that – in fact, I believe friends do that, but I got home realizing how little people really know about me, because I spend a lot of time listening and not a lot of time talking. Again, that’s more my style – I’m not one to put all my cards on the table, air every grievance, cry on shoulders. I’ve never been that way. Do you remember the girl in high school crying in the bathroom because of some boy? That was NEVER me. I really only recall a few times in life where I was that publicly emotional (one was my wedding day).

But then, is that my fault or theirs? Is it on me because I’m not being up front telling them, “Hey, this is what I need from you right now?” Or should they be saying, “Hey, you got a lot on your plate right now, do you need to talk?” Because I feel something somewhere isn’t working, and it left me feeling not-so-great at a time when I was already feeling a bit like roadkill.

I am very selective about the people I let into my life, and I know that I have some of the coolest, craziest, loving friends on the planet. I do know this. But I also know that I am wired somewhat differently in terms of how I am emotionally: I’m not a touchy feely, spill my guts sort of person (except on my blog, apparently) – and it left me hurting to not find what I was needing when I needed it.

As the days go by, I’m sort of drifting through it – the hurt is lessening because I sort of wonder how I can expect someone to know to give me something I’ve never seemed to have needed. Even if one person left me hanging, I still found an unbelievable source of comfort with a handful of friends who bless me with their presence in my life. The past day or so has renewed me and has me moving forward, trying to just get over it and get past it and move on.

About sarah

Sarah is a book nerd, a music lover, an endorphin junkie, a coffee addict. Oh, and a goof ball. She writes, she tweets, and she sings off key.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry you were hurt, and I’m equally sorry you didn’t get what you were needing, when you needed it.

    I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s anyone’s fault, per say. I’d chalk it up to personality styles, ya know ?

    Your friend probably just isn’t accustomed to tuning into your feelings or needs, since you’re a tough cookie.

    A loving friend will be happy to meet your needs, if you share what your needs are. If you share what your needs are, and your friend ignores you, it’s time to find some new friends.

    Big hugs to you.

    ~L

  2. Thanks, L! Hugs!!!!

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